Adventure is out there! -- A Pledge

To quote one of my favorite animated films, Up!, "Adventure is out there!" and I am ready to take some risks. After an insightful bouncing of ideas with one of my good friends the past two days, and some harsh realizations about my life, I'm looking forward to some minor, but (hopefully) effective changes. But where did this all come from?
After being told I need to take more risks in multiple facets of my life, and by multiple people, I began to think about what life is like for me and if I am truly happy. I am 23, single, and like many people my age, I moved home after college because I could not afford to live on my own (and because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my English degree). For awhile, I toyed with the idea of going to Graduate School and becoming a teacher, and finally made the plunge last year with UConn's TCPCG Program. I have since learned a multitude of things about education and teaching, completed my student teaching experience, and am now one short month away from graduation. Life over the past year has pretty much consisted of school, school, the occasional shenanigans with friends, and more school.
Now, while I am a happy person overall, I am not a "risk taker"by any means. In fact, those who know me well, may not even know the most important things about me. However, that's a topic for a different day. My friends know that I do not like to be out of control and that I am often awkward around people, especially strangers (for a variety of reasons: fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of causing offense, fear of rejection.... let's just say that we could be hear awhile if I talked about all the reasons I have trouble acting "normal" around people). I tend to take more of an observational, passive stance of the things going on around me, and often withhold my opinions and thoughts. While I used to write it off on simply being "cautious," I have recently come to the conclusion that I am just downright scared.
I could attempt to psychoanalyze all the factors that have likely led me to be so fearful, but frankly that is a long and boring road that really has no benefit to this entry or should be publicized on the internet. The point is, 99.99% of the time I have let life happen around me, participating at what I might consider a bare minimum. However, this year something happened that I was not at all prepared for, even though I knew it was coming. My grandfather (pictured below) passed away.

The Happiest Man

My grandfather was the happiest man I've ever known. Nobody could help but smile in his presence. Sure, he had his flaws and his temper, but he also had a love for life that is truly rare. He knew how to talk to people and it came easily to him. He was a profound storyteller, always knowing when to lower his voice and lean in close before exposing the big surprise ending. He was 90 years old. Not many people knew how much I loved him and how close I was to him. During the funeral and the weeks following, I wanted to be strong for the people around me. I did not want to show weakness, even though there were days when it felt like the ache in my heart would consume me. Besides, if in my shoes, Grandpa would have kept living and kept going, no matter what.

Prior to his death, I was already a hesitant person. After his death, it became evidently clear who in my life was there to support me, and who just pitied me for my loss. Unfortunately, that seemed to trigger a deeper need to hesitate, to second guess, to push responsibility for making decisions as far from myself as possible. However, as anyone knows, trusting only yourself with your true feelings will often lead to an outburst or snap of some nature or another. 

I would not say that I snapped, but as I was hanging out with friends not too distantly in the past, a realization did come over me. I have benched myself on the sidelines of my own life for years. I have watched as other people live their dreams, or at least try to, and navigate their lives as they saw fit. And here was me, needing to ask for permission or confirmation of what beer to order at the bar. Yes, I have been that pathetic. 

Well, a little over a week ago, I decided that it wasn't good enough anymore. Though, it has taken until now for me to decide what to do about it. I knew that making drastic decisions would ultimately lead to more discomfort (though we all make them), and so I just tried to be more daring in a few moments in my life than I had ever been before. Most backfired or I chickened out, but a few led to a more solidified notion that something needed to change. Conversations with a good friend in the past few days, whom I can always rely on to bounce ideas off (and mostly play devil's advocate without prompting), have helped shape what this whole entry is about. A proposal for change. 

"Risk is not going to suddenly become my middle name, nor am I going to have this overnight transformation, but there are things that I can do to make myself more comfortable with risk."

For example, I am pledging here and now to take a risk, whether small or large, once a week for the rest of the year. The point is that I want to push back on my comfort zone a little bit. I'm going to do this by facing some of my fears (heights) and doing things I normally would not do (strike up a conversation with a complete stranger). I do not yet know the specifics yet. Though, I do have a few concrete goals that are listed below. I figure this is a start.

1. I will talk to a stranger without any mode of introduction by friends, colleagues, etc. 

2. I will run a 5K straight through. 

3. I will cook for someone on a random day of the week, just because. 

4. I will eat at a new restaurant to expand my culinary horizons.

5. I will submit a short story or creative piece for publication (This is the scariest one).

Well, it's a start anyways. Along the way, I think I forgot what it meant to pursue things that were worth pursuing and to do things that make me uncomfortable because at least then I will know I'm LIVING. I may not be able to achieve the kind of happiness that my grandfather felt tomorrow or next month, or even next year, but you can always improve happiness, right? So, here's my shot. In addition to other "thoughts on an imperfect life,"I will document my weekly risks, be asking for suggestions, and reflecting on how things are going. So, who's with me?