The next challenge

Well, it's on to the next challenge: a combination of public speaking and advocating for myself more. 

This challenge is twofold, partially because I have neglected my blog a little bit lately, and partially because they emerged authentically. We shall start with the public speaking aspect. 

Public Speaking:

This past week, I had to present the findings of my inquiry project as part of my Master's Degree in Curriculum & Instruction. To do this, I had to participate in a Poster Presentation with the director of my program, professors, one administrator, and my fellow program colleagues. While I was a little nervous talking to the director about my project, due to a psychological fear of figures with authority, I spoke confidently and clearly, answering all his questions about my findings and what I would be presenting to my school later on. Below is a photo one of my friends took after the presentation was over of me and my tri-fold. 

See my lovely pie charts! Anyways, I know that speaking "publicly" will be an integrated part of my teaching career, especially since I think I want to train teachers eventually, whether it is in professional development seminars, or in university classes. I am beginning to be much more comfortable with that aspect of my career, which is nice because in my speech class in high school, I was absolutely petrified of making speeches. However, I think now that I know my style better, I am coming into my own as a presenter. I have a very laid back presentation style. I tend to circulate the room and try to interact with my audience as I present. 

Self-Advocacy:

This is actually the scarier of the tow because it deals more with my personal life. I have recently begun to weed the negativity out of my life. With this has come the ending of one or two friendships. However, I have found that I am overall much happier in the long run, because I am no longer bending to the needs of everyone around me. I am no longer complaining about the negativity of certain acquaintances that shall remain unnamed. In fact, I am smiling and laughing more than ever (which is saying something, because I laugh a great deal).

In any case, last night was a test of sorts when it comes to my self-advocacy. I was grabbing a few drinks with some friends at our local spot, when someone I dated (and consequently endured a great deal of drama with, a part of which I admit was my own doing) came to play pool with one of his friends. One of my friends gestures toward this ex and says, "see what you're missing" in a very sarcastic voice and we both laugh. I reply, "You mean not missing, because I have dated much better people since."(Side note: It's been about a year since we ended our dating relationship). Not that I feel the need to defend myself for such a remark, but we tried the friends thing and it was just an epic fail that turned into a lot of talk on his side, and a lot of mistrust on my side. 

Anyways, back to the point of the story. When his friend leaves, and my group is down to myself and two other friends, he comes over and sits down, inserting himself into the conversation (by the way, I found this extremely rude). We continue to talk, until we are all ready to go. I am putting on my jacket and getting up with my slightly gimpy leg when he turns to me and asks, "Can we talk?" Without hesitation, I said flatly, "No." and walked away. 

See, this is a bit of an iconic moment for me, due to the fact that I am a big believer in giving people the benefit of the doubt and that everyone receives second chances. However, I have been down that road with him many times before, and have grown a lot since. Talk is cheap, especially coming from certain people. A year ago, I would have listened to what he said, tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, and it probably would have turned into a lot of drama because I have a hard time trusting people who have messed with my head in the past (big surprise!). 

What surprised me about this time was that my "no" was so automatic, not second-guessed, and not regretted later when another friend asked if I wondered what he would have said. That reaction was again a non-hesitant no. Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot say that I am a new woman, but I am definitely a work in progress. Now, if only my knee would get better so I can start my running routine again, I would be progressing even more. 

Dancing through life.

The days since my last post have truly been a learning experience. I have risen to my own challenge of dancing randomly in public. So far, despite the confused looks and overall public judgment of my impromptu outbursts of dance, I have to admit I am quite pleased. First of all, it has allowed me to let go of this unadulterated fear of public humiliation. It has also inspired the idea that dancing makes for a healthier life (Yes, I know that I'm not the first to realize this). I do not mean that it is healthier because it is a form of cardio. I mean that it leads to a healthier life because one cannot help but be elated in the practice of dance. Now, this conclusion is drawn upon the fact that I did not once dance to a slow or depressing song. More research might be done to examine the difference (Oh dear, research is following me everywhere...).
Now, I am finding that my friends do not actually read my blog (disappointing), because not one of them rose to the challenge of texting or messaging me to force an impromptu dance party in whatever situation I found myself in at that moment. Guys, seriously, you're slacking. However, I found that I didn't need them in order to fulfill my challenge.
No, I am quite capable of making a fool out of myself on my own. I have danced in Paneras, Starbucks, in the street, while on the phone, in my car, in a park.... To say the least, it's been quite a few places. I am met with some smiles, some confused looks, and some truly appalling looks of disgust at my public display of musical expression. In a way, it feels good to be expressive. After all, one thing student teaching taught me is that you have to be able to put yourself out there for your students to even remotely care about what you are saying.
Anyways, the point is that it's time for the next challenge, which I now have to think up. Hrmmm... Any suggestions?

Dancing in the car....

While I'm sure the authorities would not improve on the amount of dancing that occurred while I drove to my current writing haven, nobody (or vehicle) was endangered in the process. I have a rekindled love for dancing in the car. I think it comes with the warm weather, when it is easier to roll the windows all the way down, blast your favorite radio station and move to the music (without the added danger of pneumonia). Alas, dancing in the car year round is one of those guilty pleasures that keeps me smiling and laughing all the way to my destination. 
Even as I sit in one of my favorite spots to write, get some excess work done, or just sit back and read, the urge to dance has not left my system. This brings me to this week's challenge (or risky endeavor). I have never been a huge fan of humiliating myself in public (who is, really?) but in the spirit of spending the next few months facing my fears and stepping out of my comfort zone, dancing in my car has sparked a new idea. I have to give a shout out to my friend, Kory, because if I had not danced the night away on Friday night as an extension of his birthday celebration, I probably would not have come up with this week's challenge. So, I know you're all holding your breath (those of you who are my friends and reading this, now would be the time to pay attention). Here it is:

This week, I will be breaking out into impromptu dance moments. No matter where I am or what I am doing (and no matter who is looking), I will dance to whatever music pops into my head or am listening to. 

Now friends who read this, you can play a part in this as well. If I am out hanging out with you, all you need to do is dare me to dance and I will do it (however, I will most likely make you join me, so beware). If we are not, and you just want to catch me by surprise, send me a text message or post on my facebook with "impromptu dance" and I will drop what I am doing and do a little dance (make a little love... ahahaha, okay I won't go there). Overall, this should be a fun challenge.  I cannot wait to start. 


Anyone who reads this blog, whether you be my friend or just someone seeing what these silly ramblings are about, I challenge you to join in this endeavor with me. LIBERATE YOURSELF! And please, share with me the outcomes of your experiences, as I will certainly be sharing mine. More later on this challenge! 

LET'S DANCE! :P

Empowerment.

For most of my life, I have put the needs and feelings of those around me before my own, trying hard to keep hurtful thoughts to myself and letting people unburden themselves of their problems, without taking the time to unleash my own. My mother's voice echoed in my head saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all." While I still maintain some of that morally, something happened this week in my "risking more" phase that was entirely unexpected. This week, I felt empowered. 
Now, because I am who I am, and I do my best to not share too much personal detail on the web, I will simply say that I think this agreement I have made with myself to be more self-reliant in my decisions, to put some of my needs first, is probably one of the best I've made in my life. Of course, I never want to be so self-centered that the needs of my friends and the people I care about fall by the wayside. They will always be top on my list of priorities. But, I am finally moving up a little on the ladder too. 
I realized this week that I am strong, independent, and in control of my own destiny. I can be caring and loyal without being weak. That is not to say that my weakness has been eradicated by a few moments of empowerment. However, I am more confident in my ability to choose between the things that I want and the things that are offered to me. I am making decisions and it feels good to feel back in control, less hindered by what others think. I am my own person, world. So deal with it. :P

Adventure is out there! -- A Pledge

To quote one of my favorite animated films, Up!, "Adventure is out there!" and I am ready to take some risks. After an insightful bouncing of ideas with one of my good friends the past two days, and some harsh realizations about my life, I'm looking forward to some minor, but (hopefully) effective changes. But where did this all come from?
After being told I need to take more risks in multiple facets of my life, and by multiple people, I began to think about what life is like for me and if I am truly happy. I am 23, single, and like many people my age, I moved home after college because I could not afford to live on my own (and because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my English degree). For awhile, I toyed with the idea of going to Graduate School and becoming a teacher, and finally made the plunge last year with UConn's TCPCG Program. I have since learned a multitude of things about education and teaching, completed my student teaching experience, and am now one short month away from graduation. Life over the past year has pretty much consisted of school, school, the occasional shenanigans with friends, and more school.
Now, while I am a happy person overall, I am not a "risk taker"by any means. In fact, those who know me well, may not even know the most important things about me. However, that's a topic for a different day. My friends know that I do not like to be out of control and that I am often awkward around people, especially strangers (for a variety of reasons: fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of causing offense, fear of rejection.... let's just say that we could be hear awhile if I talked about all the reasons I have trouble acting "normal" around people). I tend to take more of an observational, passive stance of the things going on around me, and often withhold my opinions and thoughts. While I used to write it off on simply being "cautious," I have recently come to the conclusion that I am just downright scared.
I could attempt to psychoanalyze all the factors that have likely led me to be so fearful, but frankly that is a long and boring road that really has no benefit to this entry or should be publicized on the internet. The point is, 99.99% of the time I have let life happen around me, participating at what I might consider a bare minimum. However, this year something happened that I was not at all prepared for, even though I knew it was coming. My grandfather (pictured below) passed away.

The Happiest Man

My grandfather was the happiest man I've ever known. Nobody could help but smile in his presence. Sure, he had his flaws and his temper, but he also had a love for life that is truly rare. He knew how to talk to people and it came easily to him. He was a profound storyteller, always knowing when to lower his voice and lean in close before exposing the big surprise ending. He was 90 years old. Not many people knew how much I loved him and how close I was to him. During the funeral and the weeks following, I wanted to be strong for the people around me. I did not want to show weakness, even though there were days when it felt like the ache in my heart would consume me. Besides, if in my shoes, Grandpa would have kept living and kept going, no matter what.

Prior to his death, I was already a hesitant person. After his death, it became evidently clear who in my life was there to support me, and who just pitied me for my loss. Unfortunately, that seemed to trigger a deeper need to hesitate, to second guess, to push responsibility for making decisions as far from myself as possible. However, as anyone knows, trusting only yourself with your true feelings will often lead to an outburst or snap of some nature or another. 

I would not say that I snapped, but as I was hanging out with friends not too distantly in the past, a realization did come over me. I have benched myself on the sidelines of my own life for years. I have watched as other people live their dreams, or at least try to, and navigate their lives as they saw fit. And here was me, needing to ask for permission or confirmation of what beer to order at the bar. Yes, I have been that pathetic. 

Well, a little over a week ago, I decided that it wasn't good enough anymore. Though, it has taken until now for me to decide what to do about it. I knew that making drastic decisions would ultimately lead to more discomfort (though we all make them), and so I just tried to be more daring in a few moments in my life than I had ever been before. Most backfired or I chickened out, but a few led to a more solidified notion that something needed to change. Conversations with a good friend in the past few days, whom I can always rely on to bounce ideas off (and mostly play devil's advocate without prompting), have helped shape what this whole entry is about. A proposal for change. 

"Risk is not going to suddenly become my middle name, nor am I going to have this overnight transformation, but there are things that I can do to make myself more comfortable with risk."

For example, I am pledging here and now to take a risk, whether small or large, once a week for the rest of the year. The point is that I want to push back on my comfort zone a little bit. I'm going to do this by facing some of my fears (heights) and doing things I normally would not do (strike up a conversation with a complete stranger). I do not yet know the specifics yet. Though, I do have a few concrete goals that are listed below. I figure this is a start.

1. I will talk to a stranger without any mode of introduction by friends, colleagues, etc. 

2. I will run a 5K straight through. 

3. I will cook for someone on a random day of the week, just because. 

4. I will eat at a new restaurant to expand my culinary horizons.

5. I will submit a short story or creative piece for publication (This is the scariest one).

Well, it's a start anyways. Along the way, I think I forgot what it meant to pursue things that were worth pursuing and to do things that make me uncomfortable because at least then I will know I'm LIVING. I may not be able to achieve the kind of happiness that my grandfather felt tomorrow or next month, or even next year, but you can always improve happiness, right? So, here's my shot. In addition to other "thoughts on an imperfect life,"I will document my weekly risks, be asking for suggestions, and reflecting on how things are going. So, who's with me? 

The courage to be IMPERFECT.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I spend a lot of time watching TED talks, especially lately. Well, recently I have been watching a lot of talks surrounding psychology and a few days ago, the following talk caught my eye:





Brene Brown speaks about the power of vulnerability in a fashion that truly spoke to me. At one point, she says that in order to have connection with other people, we need to allow ourselves to be seen (what she calls excruciating vulnerability). Now, in order for this to be possible, she insists that a person must need to feel worthy of belonging and connection. 


Courage: the original meaning, Brown shares, was to tell your life story with your whole heart. In other words, they were willing to let go of everyone else's and their own expectations of who they should be, and instead focus on who they were. What made them vulnerable is what made them beautiful. 


I feel I have to make a confession here, because after I watched this talk for the first time, I had one of those moments of clarity. I'm sure anyone who reads this has had one before. Something you see or read or hear triggers this sense of certainty about something or about yourself. Well, here's the confession. I am deathly afraid of being imperfect. 


Yes, I know what this blog is called. Yes, I know that nobody is perfect. However, I am a huge perfectionist. I work endless hours editing and re-editing my work to make sure I am putting my best foot forward. I dedicate mountains of effort to attempting to do it all: be a perfect colleague, be a perfect friend, be a perfect citizen, be a perfect this, be a perfect that. It's exhausting (and to be frank, not as effective as I care to admit). 

I'm tired of trying to live up to my own expectations.

Let's be honest, I will never be perfect. The world is changing too quickly for that to be remotely possible. Also, I am human, which automatically means I am fallible. 

Yesterday was a really rough day for me. I went to a teaching career fair with probably 200 other people. Upon entering the room full of hiring districts, I was immediately overwhelmed. Sometimes I forget how much anxiety big crowds give me (I even get tense if a movie theater is full). Well, not only was I immediately intimidated by all the people around me, looking for the same thing I was (a chance at a full-time teaching position), but I was also overcome with this sense of fear (of vulnerability) that out of these 200ish people, mine would be the resume to fall short, my handshake would not be strong enough, my personality would not shine through enough. 

Well, I did survive the mayhem, but I came home with this sense of shame that I had been too overwhelmed to put my best foot forward. I was awkward and nervous and fearful while others were confident and forthcoming. 

I had no less reason to be confident. I am no less qualified, dedicated, or passionate than any of the people in that room. But I choked. I did not tell my story with my whole heart. I let fear of saying the wrong thing keep me from saying the right things. 

BUT...

I also have hope. I have now accepted that I will never be at my best during a job fair that shuffles people from table to table in a desperate manner to find the possibility of work. No, I think my "zone" is in a much smaller outlet. I know that to be a teacher is my calling. And not even I will get in my own way to becoming as such. It just might take longer than expected.