Well, this is a wordle for the novel I'm writing for National Novel Writing Month. Between that and my full-time job, there's been quite a bit of internet silence. For that I'm sorry. Promise, I'm returning soon!

Some Honesty....

I knew that starting my career as a teacher would be difficult. I knew that there would be days that I would come home and it would all seem too impossible to think of. It's the weekend after the first week of school and I am already overwhelmed. The amount of information that has been thrown my way in the past two weeks as a culmination of professional development, school climate expectation changes, new/revised policies, and new curriculum is enough to bring even the most diligent, patient, and flexible person to their knees.
And yet, after a relaxing day yesterday, which apparently I needed more than I needed to finish seating charts, lesson plans, and the like, I feel almost sane again. Granted, it means cramming a lot more work into my Sunday than I would prefer, but if it means the difference between regaining my sanity for a few quiet moments, then it's a sacrifice I'm willing to take.
Even now, I am currently sifting through the anthology that my department requires me to use as a resource. It is a tag team effort between me and another new teacher, which is a saving grace, let me tell you. Any new teacher will tell you, that the first year is rough. I feel lucky to have such a supportive and collaborative department where I work. With five new teachers this year in my department, there is definitely some camaraderie and collective panic, which I think makes us feel slightly more at ease ('cause we aren't alone).
Despite the constant anxiety, I know it will be okay in the end. Today, the anthology that was daunting (understatement) to begin with, is really just a book. The endless to-do list seems more manageable. Here are the two discoveries I have made this morning:

1. I am still breathing, so I can get through this.
2. I have amazing people surrounding me on every front.

As long as I have those, everything else will work itself out (not without effort on my part, but still).

Also, this quote has inspired me today:

"It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul."

-From 'Invictus' by William Henley

Nelson Mendela was once inspired by this poem as he rotted in prison for nearly 30 years before becoming the president of South Africa. I know that my life is much more privileged and that I have never been imprisoned by anything but my own shortcomings, but I can relate to this today. 

 

Successful Post-Injury Interval Training!

Today, I finally pulled the laces of my running sneakers back into secure knots and made the plunge back into the routine. It was a little frustrating having to start back at the beginning of my 5K interval training, but I feel great having done it. I'm going to take it a little slower than last time, probably because of my paranoia over my knee popping again and being in pain for another two weeks (don't worry, doctors were consulted). With my lucky (stable) knee brace, I ran today. That feels good. 

I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that a few short weeks ago, I was up to 5mph on the treadmill during my running intervals and today I did a mere 4, feeling out my healed injury and keeping my breathing in check (a trick I've picked up from yoga). I tell you, the running intervals go so much faster when you've got your music blaring in the background and an internal voice going "nose in, mouth out" the whole time. Granted, they may seem faster too, because the last time my intervals were much longer before my injury. Oh well, it feels good to be active again. Maybe if I was more adventurous (or less afraid of heat exhaustion) I would run outside in the warm weather, but I think I'll wait until I'm back in the swing of things to toe that line. 

Anyways, small mole hill surmounted today. Now time to shower the sweat away. 

P.S. I hate the unsteady feeling of getting off the treadmill when you've just completed a run. It makes me feel like I should have just finished a fishing trip or something. Oh well. Toodles!

Married? Ha. That's a good one.

No, I'm not talking bitter resentment for being single. In fact, I am quite attached to my independence. No, I'm talking the awkward moment when your sitting at a picnic with mostly people you are distantly related to you through marriage and one of them walks up to you as you're eating your memorial day cake and asks, "are you married?"

[pause, look at parents sitting across the picnic table] "...No."

"Will you get married some day?"

"Maybe. I haven't been able to see that far into the future yet."

[uneasy laughter.]

Oh, now I understand why people don't take me places. My sarcasm can get a bit overboard at times. I think my callous humor may have been caused by the fact that progress on finishing both my slice of cake and the chapter I was reading was unexpectedly interrupted. I meant no offense and certainly hope I didn't cause any, but anyone who knows an avid reader and food lover such as myself (or really, just knows me), knows that if you interrupt me while I'm reading or eating cake, you do so at your own risk.

And I wonder why people say I'm going to be a cat lady when I grow up... [sigh.]

Newsworthy

First and foremost (even though this is now old news), I need to address how monumentally proud I am to have voted for President Barack Obama in the last presidential election. While I have not agreed with everything he and the government have done during his tenure, his public support of loving relationships, whether they be between a man and woman, two women, or two men, was truly a momentous occasion. I was raised to love and cherish all people, even when it's difficult, but I know not everyone shares my views on the subject. Affirming that same-sex marriages should be legal was a big risk for him as a politician and candidate for re-election as president. As long as it is a true measure of how he feels towards the issue, I applaud him. You can hear his statement on NPR.
As a Connecticut resident and prospective teacher, what concerns me in politics is this Education bill that Governor Malloy just passed. The bill is daunting at best, and filled with lawyer speak that this humble English major definitely struggles with. I am still attempting to sift through the information I can gather about this particular piece of legislation that will affect my career in the future. If anyone has thoughts about this, please comment, because honestly my head is still spinning and I don't think I can intelligently comment on this until I can ground myself again.

The Job Search is on....

Picture Taken from PhotoBucket

Well, the job search is officially on. While I had made some preparations and headway in the job search department, my search was certainly not official until after graduation this past weekend. For all those unemployed graduates out there, I feel your pain. It's a messy world out there and I am not limiting my options with regards to finding a job. This week I am continuing to fill out job applications for teaching positions in Connecticut. Here is what I have discovered so far:

1. Applications to work in Education are excruciatingly lengthy. Also, importing information from previous applications (due to a common system used by school districts) really only saves you a minimal amount of time. You still have to re-type a bunch of things that don't copy over.

2. Job hunting should always be accompanied by appropriately proportioned caffeinated drinks. My appropriate proportion is 1 cup of coffee per 4 hours of job hunting. Personally, I try to limit my caffeine intake, because I already have sleeping problems and really don't want to tempt fate. I'm also a pretty bubbly and energetic person to begin with, but that doesn't mean I don't need the caffeine boost when doing extremely mundane tasks.

3. Job hunting loves company. As I sit here with one of my dear friends, Beth, it becomes increasingly apparent that company is a necessity, and much less distracting than television (ironic, isn't it?). Of course, it helps that both of us are very motivated by the fact that the other looks productive. The power of illusion is strong here. ;-)

4. If at first you don't succeed, save the draft for later. At least, if this is an option. Most of the job applications for teaching jobs in Connecticut are online and use a common internet-based application form that allows you to import information from other applications if the domains are the same (meaning identical). Due to the lengthy nature of these applications, sometimes you just need a break. However, it is important not to leave them too long, or someone else may snag the job first!

5. Out of sight, out of mind. Yes, I'm talking of Facebook. While ordinarily the social networking site is useful for social interaction and stalking your friends' status updates while you pretend to be working on your resume, I find that if I hide the window, I won't look at it between "quick breaks" that I give myself to goof off every hour or so (determined by task completion).

Now, I have spent the past two hours working on short answer responses and updating my resume for job applications and decided to blog during this hour's "quick break." In truth, I have begun to love blogging, even though my topics can seem kind of random. It is a productive yet liberating way to take a break from the humdrum of applications, resumes, cover letters and LinkedIn. In fact, I want to make my blog a little more discussion-based. So, here is my question to all of you following me (and those who might start after this post):

What do you imagine when you think of your dream job? 

Please post comments about your dream job and I promise to respond to everyone! I really want to know what people think is the "dream job." After all, Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream. Why can't we? 

Organizing Life.

Not that organizing your entire life is even remotely possible, as we are all in a perpetual state of chaos in at least one sense, but the past few days I have spent organizing the mountains of PDF files, word docs, and loose papers associated with my Graduate career. This has also caused me to stumble upon some things I have not looked at for years, including this poem I wrote in the 12th grade:

Unrequited, yet Unconditional Love

By Megan Lacey

So fuzzy, warm

A free-thinking soul

Trapped inside a body with brown and black

stitching

No dollies for this girl

She's quite content with her

imaginary friend.

"Annabelle takes baths in the washing machine,"

mommy explains

As she tosses sweet, brown Annabelle into the

big "hairdryer" with

Bankie.

Pitter Patters are heard

on the living room floor when

the buzzer sounds.

A little girl reunited with

the loves of her life.

Sometimes I think of how simple things were for me back then. It was a simplicity I did not appreciate until now. In some ways, I knew myself much more completely back then, even though I had the same doubt of my own instincts that I do now. Back then, it was easy to write poetry from the perspective of my elementary school self. In many ways I was uncorrupted by the weights and toils of the world. I suppose in some ways I will never lose the playfulness completely, but much of it has slipped from my grasp. Back then, I was not afraid to feel openly. I was not afraid to let people in. 

Anyways, enough of that. I've posted a story that I wrote in college entitled "The Meadow" under my Pages if you would like to take a look, post comments on what you think, etc. I have to complete more job applications. :) Adios! 

Wayward Passions

This week, as Graduate School has come to an end, I have reflected a great deal on those things I had to give up in order to complete my program. While most things were definitely things I can live without, the two things I missed the most were trying new recipes and writing. These are my two passions outside of teaching and I have truly been incomplete without their consistent presence in my life.
It has been a great learning experience, being in Grad School this past year. For one, I learned who my true friends are. For everyone who continued to stand by me, even when I couldn't give them a lot of my time and energy, thank you. You are a true friend and I will never forget the support and encouragement you gave me over the past year. It made the past year so much more meaningful with you guys there by my side. I would like to especially thank my Group 1 TCPCG cohort. You guys knew exactly what I was going through and were always there with a beer or some advice when I needed it. I know you will all make fantastic teachers, and I can only hope to have the honor of working alongside some of you in the future, or at the very least meeting for a beer at McLadden's every once in awhile.
As summer creeps closer, I often hear a memory in the back of my mind of my grandfather singing, "In the good old summertime..." This week was very emotional for me because of the absence of my grandfather's presence on this momentous occasion. I realize now why I did not want to attend graduation, or make a big deal about my accomplishments this year. My grandfather is no longer here to share it. He used to call me his "scholar" and constantly embarrassed me (in a good way) with his overabundant pride. In a way, the degree that will eventually decorate my wall means less to me without him here. Not for the first time, I feel an emptiness in my heart as I miss his laugh, his singing, and his animate hands as he told a story. I miss you, Grandpa. All the work I have put in the past year I now dedicate to you. I could not have done it without you. I will always love you.

"here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)"

-e.e. cummings

The Greatest Man, Robert D. Hahn.

The next challenge

Well, it's on to the next challenge: a combination of public speaking and advocating for myself more. 

This challenge is twofold, partially because I have neglected my blog a little bit lately, and partially because they emerged authentically. We shall start with the public speaking aspect. 

Public Speaking:

This past week, I had to present the findings of my inquiry project as part of my Master's Degree in Curriculum & Instruction. To do this, I had to participate in a Poster Presentation with the director of my program, professors, one administrator, and my fellow program colleagues. While I was a little nervous talking to the director about my project, due to a psychological fear of figures with authority, I spoke confidently and clearly, answering all his questions about my findings and what I would be presenting to my school later on. Below is a photo one of my friends took after the presentation was over of me and my tri-fold. 

See my lovely pie charts! Anyways, I know that speaking "publicly" will be an integrated part of my teaching career, especially since I think I want to train teachers eventually, whether it is in professional development seminars, or in university classes. I am beginning to be much more comfortable with that aspect of my career, which is nice because in my speech class in high school, I was absolutely petrified of making speeches. However, I think now that I know my style better, I am coming into my own as a presenter. I have a very laid back presentation style. I tend to circulate the room and try to interact with my audience as I present. 

Self-Advocacy:

This is actually the scarier of the tow because it deals more with my personal life. I have recently begun to weed the negativity out of my life. With this has come the ending of one or two friendships. However, I have found that I am overall much happier in the long run, because I am no longer bending to the needs of everyone around me. I am no longer complaining about the negativity of certain acquaintances that shall remain unnamed. In fact, I am smiling and laughing more than ever (which is saying something, because I laugh a great deal).

In any case, last night was a test of sorts when it comes to my self-advocacy. I was grabbing a few drinks with some friends at our local spot, when someone I dated (and consequently endured a great deal of drama with, a part of which I admit was my own doing) came to play pool with one of his friends. One of my friends gestures toward this ex and says, "see what you're missing" in a very sarcastic voice and we both laugh. I reply, "You mean not missing, because I have dated much better people since."(Side note: It's been about a year since we ended our dating relationship). Not that I feel the need to defend myself for such a remark, but we tried the friends thing and it was just an epic fail that turned into a lot of talk on his side, and a lot of mistrust on my side. 

Anyways, back to the point of the story. When his friend leaves, and my group is down to myself and two other friends, he comes over and sits down, inserting himself into the conversation (by the way, I found this extremely rude). We continue to talk, until we are all ready to go. I am putting on my jacket and getting up with my slightly gimpy leg when he turns to me and asks, "Can we talk?" Without hesitation, I said flatly, "No." and walked away. 

See, this is a bit of an iconic moment for me, due to the fact that I am a big believer in giving people the benefit of the doubt and that everyone receives second chances. However, I have been down that road with him many times before, and have grown a lot since. Talk is cheap, especially coming from certain people. A year ago, I would have listened to what he said, tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, and it probably would have turned into a lot of drama because I have a hard time trusting people who have messed with my head in the past (big surprise!). 

What surprised me about this time was that my "no" was so automatic, not second-guessed, and not regretted later when another friend asked if I wondered what he would have said. That reaction was again a non-hesitant no. Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot say that I am a new woman, but I am definitely a work in progress. Now, if only my knee would get better so I can start my running routine again, I would be progressing even more. 

Dancing through life.

The days since my last post have truly been a learning experience. I have risen to my own challenge of dancing randomly in public. So far, despite the confused looks and overall public judgment of my impromptu outbursts of dance, I have to admit I am quite pleased. First of all, it has allowed me to let go of this unadulterated fear of public humiliation. It has also inspired the idea that dancing makes for a healthier life (Yes, I know that I'm not the first to realize this). I do not mean that it is healthier because it is a form of cardio. I mean that it leads to a healthier life because one cannot help but be elated in the practice of dance. Now, this conclusion is drawn upon the fact that I did not once dance to a slow or depressing song. More research might be done to examine the difference (Oh dear, research is following me everywhere...).
Now, I am finding that my friends do not actually read my blog (disappointing), because not one of them rose to the challenge of texting or messaging me to force an impromptu dance party in whatever situation I found myself in at that moment. Guys, seriously, you're slacking. However, I found that I didn't need them in order to fulfill my challenge.
No, I am quite capable of making a fool out of myself on my own. I have danced in Paneras, Starbucks, in the street, while on the phone, in my car, in a park.... To say the least, it's been quite a few places. I am met with some smiles, some confused looks, and some truly appalling looks of disgust at my public display of musical expression. In a way, it feels good to be expressive. After all, one thing student teaching taught me is that you have to be able to put yourself out there for your students to even remotely care about what you are saying.
Anyways, the point is that it's time for the next challenge, which I now have to think up. Hrmmm... Any suggestions?

Dancing in the car....

While I'm sure the authorities would not improve on the amount of dancing that occurred while I drove to my current writing haven, nobody (or vehicle) was endangered in the process. I have a rekindled love for dancing in the car. I think it comes with the warm weather, when it is easier to roll the windows all the way down, blast your favorite radio station and move to the music (without the added danger of pneumonia). Alas, dancing in the car year round is one of those guilty pleasures that keeps me smiling and laughing all the way to my destination. 
Even as I sit in one of my favorite spots to write, get some excess work done, or just sit back and read, the urge to dance has not left my system. This brings me to this week's challenge (or risky endeavor). I have never been a huge fan of humiliating myself in public (who is, really?) but in the spirit of spending the next few months facing my fears and stepping out of my comfort zone, dancing in my car has sparked a new idea. I have to give a shout out to my friend, Kory, because if I had not danced the night away on Friday night as an extension of his birthday celebration, I probably would not have come up with this week's challenge. So, I know you're all holding your breath (those of you who are my friends and reading this, now would be the time to pay attention). Here it is:

This week, I will be breaking out into impromptu dance moments. No matter where I am or what I am doing (and no matter who is looking), I will dance to whatever music pops into my head or am listening to. 

Now friends who read this, you can play a part in this as well. If I am out hanging out with you, all you need to do is dare me to dance and I will do it (however, I will most likely make you join me, so beware). If we are not, and you just want to catch me by surprise, send me a text message or post on my facebook with "impromptu dance" and I will drop what I am doing and do a little dance (make a little love... ahahaha, okay I won't go there). Overall, this should be a fun challenge.  I cannot wait to start. 


Anyone who reads this blog, whether you be my friend or just someone seeing what these silly ramblings are about, I challenge you to join in this endeavor with me. LIBERATE YOURSELF! And please, share with me the outcomes of your experiences, as I will certainly be sharing mine. More later on this challenge! 

LET'S DANCE! :P

Empowerment.

For most of my life, I have put the needs and feelings of those around me before my own, trying hard to keep hurtful thoughts to myself and letting people unburden themselves of their problems, without taking the time to unleash my own. My mother's voice echoed in my head saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all." While I still maintain some of that morally, something happened this week in my "risking more" phase that was entirely unexpected. This week, I felt empowered. 
Now, because I am who I am, and I do my best to not share too much personal detail on the web, I will simply say that I think this agreement I have made with myself to be more self-reliant in my decisions, to put some of my needs first, is probably one of the best I've made in my life. Of course, I never want to be so self-centered that the needs of my friends and the people I care about fall by the wayside. They will always be top on my list of priorities. But, I am finally moving up a little on the ladder too. 
I realized this week that I am strong, independent, and in control of my own destiny. I can be caring and loyal without being weak. That is not to say that my weakness has been eradicated by a few moments of empowerment. However, I am more confident in my ability to choose between the things that I want and the things that are offered to me. I am making decisions and it feels good to feel back in control, less hindered by what others think. I am my own person, world. So deal with it. :P

Adventure is out there! -- A Pledge

To quote one of my favorite animated films, Up!, "Adventure is out there!" and I am ready to take some risks. After an insightful bouncing of ideas with one of my good friends the past two days, and some harsh realizations about my life, I'm looking forward to some minor, but (hopefully) effective changes. But where did this all come from?
After being told I need to take more risks in multiple facets of my life, and by multiple people, I began to think about what life is like for me and if I am truly happy. I am 23, single, and like many people my age, I moved home after college because I could not afford to live on my own (and because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my English degree). For awhile, I toyed with the idea of going to Graduate School and becoming a teacher, and finally made the plunge last year with UConn's TCPCG Program. I have since learned a multitude of things about education and teaching, completed my student teaching experience, and am now one short month away from graduation. Life over the past year has pretty much consisted of school, school, the occasional shenanigans with friends, and more school.
Now, while I am a happy person overall, I am not a "risk taker"by any means. In fact, those who know me well, may not even know the most important things about me. However, that's a topic for a different day. My friends know that I do not like to be out of control and that I am often awkward around people, especially strangers (for a variety of reasons: fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of causing offense, fear of rejection.... let's just say that we could be hear awhile if I talked about all the reasons I have trouble acting "normal" around people). I tend to take more of an observational, passive stance of the things going on around me, and often withhold my opinions and thoughts. While I used to write it off on simply being "cautious," I have recently come to the conclusion that I am just downright scared.
I could attempt to psychoanalyze all the factors that have likely led me to be so fearful, but frankly that is a long and boring road that really has no benefit to this entry or should be publicized on the internet. The point is, 99.99% of the time I have let life happen around me, participating at what I might consider a bare minimum. However, this year something happened that I was not at all prepared for, even though I knew it was coming. My grandfather (pictured below) passed away.

The Happiest Man

My grandfather was the happiest man I've ever known. Nobody could help but smile in his presence. Sure, he had his flaws and his temper, but he also had a love for life that is truly rare. He knew how to talk to people and it came easily to him. He was a profound storyteller, always knowing when to lower his voice and lean in close before exposing the big surprise ending. He was 90 years old. Not many people knew how much I loved him and how close I was to him. During the funeral and the weeks following, I wanted to be strong for the people around me. I did not want to show weakness, even though there were days when it felt like the ache in my heart would consume me. Besides, if in my shoes, Grandpa would have kept living and kept going, no matter what.

Prior to his death, I was already a hesitant person. After his death, it became evidently clear who in my life was there to support me, and who just pitied me for my loss. Unfortunately, that seemed to trigger a deeper need to hesitate, to second guess, to push responsibility for making decisions as far from myself as possible. However, as anyone knows, trusting only yourself with your true feelings will often lead to an outburst or snap of some nature or another. 

I would not say that I snapped, but as I was hanging out with friends not too distantly in the past, a realization did come over me. I have benched myself on the sidelines of my own life for years. I have watched as other people live their dreams, or at least try to, and navigate their lives as they saw fit. And here was me, needing to ask for permission or confirmation of what beer to order at the bar. Yes, I have been that pathetic. 

Well, a little over a week ago, I decided that it wasn't good enough anymore. Though, it has taken until now for me to decide what to do about it. I knew that making drastic decisions would ultimately lead to more discomfort (though we all make them), and so I just tried to be more daring in a few moments in my life than I had ever been before. Most backfired or I chickened out, but a few led to a more solidified notion that something needed to change. Conversations with a good friend in the past few days, whom I can always rely on to bounce ideas off (and mostly play devil's advocate without prompting), have helped shape what this whole entry is about. A proposal for change. 

"Risk is not going to suddenly become my middle name, nor am I going to have this overnight transformation, but there are things that I can do to make myself more comfortable with risk."

For example, I am pledging here and now to take a risk, whether small or large, once a week for the rest of the year. The point is that I want to push back on my comfort zone a little bit. I'm going to do this by facing some of my fears (heights) and doing things I normally would not do (strike up a conversation with a complete stranger). I do not yet know the specifics yet. Though, I do have a few concrete goals that are listed below. I figure this is a start.

1. I will talk to a stranger without any mode of introduction by friends, colleagues, etc. 

2. I will run a 5K straight through. 

3. I will cook for someone on a random day of the week, just because. 

4. I will eat at a new restaurant to expand my culinary horizons.

5. I will submit a short story or creative piece for publication (This is the scariest one).

Well, it's a start anyways. Along the way, I think I forgot what it meant to pursue things that were worth pursuing and to do things that make me uncomfortable because at least then I will know I'm LIVING. I may not be able to achieve the kind of happiness that my grandfather felt tomorrow or next month, or even next year, but you can always improve happiness, right? So, here's my shot. In addition to other "thoughts on an imperfect life,"I will document my weekly risks, be asking for suggestions, and reflecting on how things are going. So, who's with me? 

The courage to be IMPERFECT.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I spend a lot of time watching TED talks, especially lately. Well, recently I have been watching a lot of talks surrounding psychology and a few days ago, the following talk caught my eye:





Brene Brown speaks about the power of vulnerability in a fashion that truly spoke to me. At one point, she says that in order to have connection with other people, we need to allow ourselves to be seen (what she calls excruciating vulnerability). Now, in order for this to be possible, she insists that a person must need to feel worthy of belonging and connection. 


Courage: the original meaning, Brown shares, was to tell your life story with your whole heart. In other words, they were willing to let go of everyone else's and their own expectations of who they should be, and instead focus on who they were. What made them vulnerable is what made them beautiful. 


I feel I have to make a confession here, because after I watched this talk for the first time, I had one of those moments of clarity. I'm sure anyone who reads this has had one before. Something you see or read or hear triggers this sense of certainty about something or about yourself. Well, here's the confession. I am deathly afraid of being imperfect. 


Yes, I know what this blog is called. Yes, I know that nobody is perfect. However, I am a huge perfectionist. I work endless hours editing and re-editing my work to make sure I am putting my best foot forward. I dedicate mountains of effort to attempting to do it all: be a perfect colleague, be a perfect friend, be a perfect citizen, be a perfect this, be a perfect that. It's exhausting (and to be frank, not as effective as I care to admit). 

I'm tired of trying to live up to my own expectations.

Let's be honest, I will never be perfect. The world is changing too quickly for that to be remotely possible. Also, I am human, which automatically means I am fallible. 

Yesterday was a really rough day for me. I went to a teaching career fair with probably 200 other people. Upon entering the room full of hiring districts, I was immediately overwhelmed. Sometimes I forget how much anxiety big crowds give me (I even get tense if a movie theater is full). Well, not only was I immediately intimidated by all the people around me, looking for the same thing I was (a chance at a full-time teaching position), but I was also overcome with this sense of fear (of vulnerability) that out of these 200ish people, mine would be the resume to fall short, my handshake would not be strong enough, my personality would not shine through enough. 

Well, I did survive the mayhem, but I came home with this sense of shame that I had been too overwhelmed to put my best foot forward. I was awkward and nervous and fearful while others were confident and forthcoming. 

I had no less reason to be confident. I am no less qualified, dedicated, or passionate than any of the people in that room. But I choked. I did not tell my story with my whole heart. I let fear of saying the wrong thing keep me from saying the right things. 

BUT...

I also have hope. I have now accepted that I will never be at my best during a job fair that shuffles people from table to table in a desperate manner to find the possibility of work. No, I think my "zone" is in a much smaller outlet. I know that to be a teacher is my calling. And not even I will get in my own way to becoming as such. It just might take longer than expected. 

A Reflection on Educational Reform.

I was going to refrain from commenting on my recent endeavor to find out more about educational reform in my home state of Connecticut, because in many ways I am no expert on the subject. However, I feel able to make a few comments based on a Q & A session I witnessed regarding Governor Malloy's proposed bill. This bill, from what I have gathered, mostly deals with updating and changing the teacher evaluation protocol, making teachers accountable in a variety of ways (test scores, evaluation of student progress, observations of teacher performance, peer/parent review, and whole-school progress). Without the percentages, this seems a mostly fair evaluation of teachers (but again, I am no expert and am only beginning to learn about this bill). However, as a prospective teacher who will (hopefully) have a full-time teaching position in the fall, I do have a few concerns regarding this breakdown. 

For one thing, standardized test scores of a teacher's students count for 22.5% of the total teacher evaluation. Considering this alone counts for nearly a quarter of a teacher's evaluation, and probably contains the most amount of uncontrollable factors on the teacher's part, is that high percentage reasonable? As I have never taught in my own classroom, I cannot be entirely sure. I do have reservations about it, though. For one thing, on the day of the test, there are many factors out of the teacher's control that can affect student success, such as hours of sleep the student received the night before, whether or not the student had a balanced breakfast, and the testing environment a student is placed in (especially for tests like the SATs). These things can affect student focus and their cognitive functions. If their basic needs, such as food and sleep, are not met, their performance on other tasks is already limited in success (Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs). 

Another concern I have regarding the governor's answers to questions at this meeting was his dismissive attitude toward concerns of poverty in certain districts. His answers to concerns of educators and parents regarding the effects of poverty on student performance were that within each of the most "troubled" districts, there was at least one "successful" school (paraphrasing here). Well, in a district that has more than 10 schools, one successful building does not instill me with a sense of hope. In my grad school classes, we have discussed at length the degree to which change is possible within education without changing the society that education exists within first. Every conversation has ended in a consensus that schools reflect society, and so society must be the first to change. So, his response does not really answer the question. 

From my response above, you may think I do not support our governor in his endeavors to improve education. In fact, I applaud his efforts to make education better, because it is true that just 20 years ago, Connecticut was the #1 state with regards to education, which is no longer true and in fact we are in danger of dropping out of the top 10 states. I merely want to reflect on some of the reservations I have regarding where the state government's efforts are being concentrated. 

I will admit two things I am especially interested in seeing succeed within this bill. I am intrigued by the idea of more "individualized" professional development for teachers. I am looking forward to seeing how this is executed, as everyone (teachers and students alike) has different skills and levels of mastery. A more individualized development for teachers will mean that teachers can get the support they need in the areas they need it most, instead of sitting in a large lecture hall while someone imbibes information. Also, I am interested in this notion of an improvement of communication between agencies (police, schools, DCFS, etc.) that are involved in student cases, so that all agencies have complete and accessible information. After all, communication is one of the most important skills you learn in school, and the "hidden curriculum" shows students how the world around them operates. If they see that communication between parties that have some kind of connection to themselves is limited and unsuccessful, that is how they will learn to communicate. 

Well, enough of my rantings about this issue. I think I've gone on long enough. I only hope that the changes made will be for the benefit of our students, as they are our first priority. 

Fiction.

"Sometimes the whole world seems fictionalized."

10 Confessions

In no particular order…. 

1. I love country music.

Seriously, I am the person who cranks it all the way up, windows wide open and sings at the top of their lungs. I have absolutely no shame about this fact. 

2. I have never been in love.

I think I’ve gotten close a few times, but I have this knack for finding the one thing that will cause a person to walk away and somehow exploit it so they go running. 

3. I am an exceedingly positive person, despite #2. 

No kidding, my optimism is nauseating at times. I am a pro at finding the silver lining in EVERYTHING. True, I have my moments of despair, just like anyone else. But usually they are short lived. 

4. I am a chronic apologizer. 

Yes, I am one of “those” girls who apologizes for everything, even if it’s someone else’s behavior. This comes from an inherent toughness on myself. Anything that can even remotely (like 7 times removed) reflect bad on me, I tend to apologize for. 

5. I hate the sun. 

No, I am not some Twilight Fanatic who thinks I sparkle when the sun is out. I legitimately hate the sun. I love beautiful days, and enjoy them as much as the next person, but usually my beach trips consist of layers of thin cotton clothing over every inch of my body, under a beach umbrella, with SPF 200 on any inch of bare skin, reading a book and listening to music on my iPod. 

6. I am a huge Syfy fan.

I won’t say that I like everything Syfy in all it’s glory, and it is a rather recent discovery. I have lately been very into BBC Syfy shows and/or movies. I think it’s the whole “escaping from reality” bit. It’s imaginative, and well, I love it. 

7. I watch chick flicks in order to criticize their lack of reality. 

Yes, it is quite possible I am a betrayer of my sex, in that I really don’t get crazy over chick flicks. Just today, I was telling a friend about a chick flick with a totally unrealistic ending. Yes, it was an artsy, independent film that was actually pretty imaginative for its parameters. In fact, the circumstances of the movie are less likely to happen than a unicorn knocking on my front door, but who’s counting? (See what I mean…)

8. I am O.B.S.E.S.S.E.D. with peanut butter. 

If there isn’t peanut butter in the house, there are serious repercussions. My absolute favorite thing to eat with peanut butter in it are graham crackers, with peanut butter, and a banana slice on top. I’ll take that over s’mores any day. 

9. I am so freaking clumsy. 

I am not exaggerating. If there is something within 10 feet of me that is breakable (even things you wouldn’t think were breakable), you need to get it away from me. The list includes anything from family heirloom teacups, to entire shelves. Now, if it’s MEANT to be smashed up with a sledge hammer, I’m totally your girl, but be sure to wrap anything you don’t want broken in bubble wrap before I come over. 

10. I am secretly a 5-year-old inside.

I love coloring, finger-painting, Hungry Hungry Hippos. Basically anything a five-year-old gets to do and have it be socially acceptable, is something I love. In fact, I think I’m going to go watch “How to Train Your Dragon,” and wish I had a Toothless of my own. 

Hope you enjoyed my quirky confessions! :)

Power in Splintered Wood.

I shook the sweat from my ponytail and shifted my weight to my dominant foot, climbing back into the dumpster. I stomped tentatively on an old speaker before putting my whole weight into it. I moved from speaker to anything stable looking, searching for things to place at the alter of my discontent. I find an old, beaten desk (or part of one) and pull it from the wreckage, dropping it over the side and climbing after. This will do. 

Some say a girl has no business wielding a sledge hammer, but they don't know the power it gives to someone who lets people damage her.  Besides, I feel pain, why not power? At a different point in my life, I might have curled into a fetal position and hid behind my books and things that are safe. But, I can no longer be that person. One too many times I have given in to my own cowardice. I have let needs go unsatisfied for fear of disturbance. I have sealed my lips when I should have screamed at injustice. Too long I have let things go unchallenged. So today, sledge hammer in hand, I will unleash it all. This desk will become the splintered wood of everything that has ever left a scar. 

Yes, this will do. 

Tomorrow, the pain will be nothing but a distant memory. 

"This Means War"

Well, I admit, I did not remember that this was the movie my friend, Beth was talking about when she suggested seeing, “This Means War.” In all actuality, the movie was somewhat hysterical throughout. It had a lot of heart-racing action, witty banter, and even a little romance thrown in. There was something for everyone (except maybe for the kids). I was thoroughly surprised at this movie and am definitely glad I went to go see it. The ending even manages to surprise you a little bit. Just when you think it’s going to be ridiculously cliche and forced (though it still is a little), it packs a little punch of laughter right before the credits roll. While I would not necessarily say it’s the best movie I have seen in awhile, it is far beyond the mediocrity of most of the romantic comedies released in the recent past. I would vote this one a 3.8/5 stars. I can’t quite give it 4, but it’s close. Definitely go see it if you get the chance. :-)

The Economy

What is important for the U.S. Economy?

Right now I am watching President Obama speak at the Rolls-Royce Crosspointe facility in Virginia. I have never been an "economist" and believe me when I say I am not very economy-conscious. Money is not really my strong point. I know enough to keep my checkbook balanced and my extra expenses in check (with the occasional reckless splurge). However, as one of my goals for my life (no, not a new years resolution--I despise those), I am trying to be more conscious of what is going on around me. Today, that brings me to the U.S. economy, more specifically Obama's speech. 

Side Note: I believe Obama is a much more successful Orator than some of his predecessors. 

Things that I loved:

• Making education (especially higher education) more affordable for families.
• Having our businesses lead the world in "clean" energy. 
• Dreaming big dreams and feeling confident about the future.

Other side note: Does making education more affordable mean increasing or decreasing teacher salaries? 'Cause that could potentially sway me on my mention of those comments above. 

I certainly have my ideals when it comes to the way I think the world should be, but the world is a whole lot bigger than those ideals, perhaps too big to make them possible. I do have a few thoughts on the economy, but as until recently I really have not been part of the economy conversation, I do not know how accurate my views may be. 

Thoughts on the Economy from a limited Point of View:

1. Those who have more, should give more. 

2. Communities need to invest in community businesses.

3. The economy should support education. 

4. Education should support the economy. 

5. NO JOB SHOULD BE BELITTLED. 

All right. I will not elaborate too much on the thoughts above. I think anyone who reads them will get the gist of where I stand. The only one I will explain is the largest one: #5. As a soon-to-be teacher, I certainly do not believe in belittling any human being. Well, that includes the type of work they do. Now, I could be accused of being a snob at one point in my life, due to the fact that I used to insist I would never work at a fast food chain, or in a retail store, if I could help it. Well, I have worked in similar, if not directly in those conditions now, and I certainly respect anyone who can do that for longer than a temporary time frame. 

Those aren't the only jobs that are attached to certain stigmas.  Other jobs include farmers, plumbers, electricians, mechanics, etc. However, people should  think before they belittle such professions. After all, what would we do without mechanics to fix our transmissions; electricians to reconnect our power lines; and plumbers to repair faucets and toilets? We would have to be even more superhuman than we are already required to be.

 

I don't know about you, 

but I already don't have enough time in a day. 

I know you all see my point. So, for parents, teachers, or mentors of any profession, pay attention to this: NO MATTER WHAT, always support what a person wants to do with their life, even if it is not what you dreamt for them. 

Better to support them than to lose them altogether. 

That is a lesson I have learned by accident very recently. 

All right. I did not want to preach. Time to move on to other parts of my day. 

-M

Adventure is out there!

The view from my semi-dangerous hike this weekend. One of the reasons I love Connecticut. However, the slush did make it rather difficult to climb the steep trail to this point. Sliding down was fun, though! 

A favorite.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

—	e.e. cummings I absolutely love this poem. Whenever I’m feeling lost, it just has a way of reminding me what is important. Keep the ones that mean the most to you close. You never know when you’ll be missing them.  Rest peacefully, Grandpa. <3 1.3.12 -M

Feeling a little political...

I don’t pretend to be the most politically aware person in the world. Nor do I pretend that most of the time I’m not caught up in my own busy life. I know there is no way to be aware of everything that happens in the world, but if this morning has done anything, it has made me more aware of my own ignorance and hypocrisy. 

As a pre-service teacher, soon to become certified, I have often talked to students about being critical and being aware of the world they live in beyond the walls of their homes and their schools. And yet, have I done this myself? No. I have been ignorant to many things that have been unchallenged for years. This hypocrisy is inexcusable. 

The U.S. is often criticized for being self-centered and greedy. Perhaps that is how we have managed to maintain our “superpower” status. I’ve been out of the loop so long, I’m sure I have nowhere near the amount of information necessary to make that accusation. However, I have noticed the way in which many people in my own life (myself included), forget to be human. 

I’m not one for making pledges and promises when I may not be able to keep them. However, my eyes are a little more open than they were yesterday. 

Here is something I know for sure: 

At their core, human beings are emotional, but in recent generations the expression of raw emotion has been frowned upon and deemed “uncivilized.” Due to this, people have forgotten the power and beauty in emotion. We have forgotten our consciences and our instincts. 

However, we have not completely forgotten these emotions. No, we have only suppressed them or internalized them so that we are not embarrassed by them. Lately, I’ve come to believe a little embarrassment is good for the soul. I found this out yesterday in a rather surreal moment of my own life. 

Let me explain. 

I am currently a Graduate student, working toward a M. Ed. in Curriculum & Instruction to gain certification in Secondary English. I am in my final semester, during which I have to complete an Inquiry Research Project. Yesterday, I had the class that pairs with this project that is supposed to teach us how to research, collect data, and analyze that data. For the past three classes (which are each 2.5 hours long), our professor has spent (wasted, rather) our time by going so in depth into the concept of focus groups (introduction, mock focus group, and analysis of focus group data), which less than 10% of the class is using. 

Note: PREVIOUS to these classes, the class banded together and formulated a list of our most pertinent needs and concerns regarding this class and wrote her a collective email expressing them. She never addressed our concerns. She merely shrugged them off by saying, “You have to trust me.”

Anyways, back to the point. This fateful day, I am sitting in class, on facebook because the first 40 minutes have all been explicit instruction on how to edit a table in Microsoft Word, which felt intellectually insulting as someone who has been using this program since Middle School. My colleagues in class were discussing on our class group the audacity of this woman to spend 40 minutes going over something that we could have taught ourselves in 5. I posted saying, “I feel like I should say something.” It only took two responses of “DO IT” for me to raise my hand, interrupt, and proceed to ask the professor if there was a simpler, more succinct way of going over this, because many of us were already familiar with the concept. I suggested that maybe it would be more prudent to hand out an example of what the correct formatting is and then differentiating by taking those who needed additional help aside in a small group and assisting them in the more elaborate instruction she had been giving. 

Her response: I will be done in 5 or 10 more minutes. 

The result: The director of our program, whom we had left out of the conversation out of respect for his position and the belief that she would work with us if we presented our concerns, was notified of the gravity of the situation by phone calls, email, and the like, from several people. Before the end of yesterday, appropriate action had been taken to ensure that our concerns were met and taken into account. 

This is a prime example of change only being possible if one person starts to make it happen. Was it embarrassing for me to have to call out the teacher in the middle of her class on her poor teaching methods? IMMENSELY. Did it need to be done? ABSOLUTELY. 

Any of my close friends will be the first to tell you that I avoid conflict at all costs. However, I pay a lot of money in tuition for this program and a waste of my time is a waste of not only my money, but my intellect and efforts as well. It was the final straw and I now feel better about what has happened as a result. It is fortuitous, I believe, that my group was scheduled with her as our teacher, because we are just outspoken and revolutionary enough to do something about it. 

If nothing else, take from this that you need to stick up for yourself, even in the face of embarrassment. Your life will be much more worthwhile if you do. A note of caution though: make sure it is worth standing up for, and if it is at all possible, avoid burning bridges. You never know when that bridge might be useful in the future. 

-M

Hello World!

How’s it going?

As a person with a background in writing, I know the importance of a good introduction (though I really can’t promise anything here). So, before I delve into the complex intricacies of life and everything it entails, I’d like to introduce myself.

This is me. ---------->

I admit, not the best picture I could have found, but it will do for today’s purposes. I am 23 years old and a Graduate Student, working to complete my Masters in Education. Upon the receipt of my certification, I hope to be teaching Language Arts in a high school in September. I live in the suburbs in Connecticut, but I love to travel and to experience new things. 

My interests include books, music, yoga, and outdoorsy activities. I am very adventurous (especially lately), and I especially love hiking and am trying to get over my fear of heights by doing lots of it. I also love doing interior design and baking as hobbies. 

One of my true passions is for writing, though I do not consider myself a novelist by any means. It’s one of those things that calms me and helps me make sense of my own life. Even as an introvert, the idea of spending endless hours of every day writing “the next American classic” as my mom sometimes puts it, wasn’t enough. I turned to teaching because I wanted to inspire students to LOVE things, to have PASSION, even if it is not for my specific content area. 

Lately, as more and more of my friends have delved into the political arena (and kept me privy to such information), I have been more curious about what is going on in the world, rather than being wrapped up in my own problems. Let me tell you, it is truly humbling to do so. When you realize some of the big issues that other people face every day, you learn to put things into perspective. 

Anyways, this blog is really meant as a means to make sense of not only my own issues (which I am sure I will discuss plentifully), but also thoughts on the various aspects of life: the ups, the downs, and everything in between. I will try to keep as much variety in my posting as possible. I’m a pretty eclectic person, so it shouldn’t be too difficult (theoretically) Either way, I hope you enjoy my blog! 

-M